


Speed Dating: Bitch, Me Too!

by BatShitCrazy



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Birdflash - Fandom, DCU, Justice League - All Media Types, NightFlash - Fandom, Superman - All Media Types, The Flash - All Media Types, superbat - Fandom
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Gen, M/M, Relationship Discussions, Teasing, The Perils of Dating a Kryptonian, The Perils of Dating a Speedster, talking about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:17:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatShitCrazy/pseuds/BatShitCrazy
Summary: Dick has gotten past the most awkward conversation of his life.Finding out Bruce is dating Superman was a pleasant surprise.What else will they find in common?Talking sex with Batman shouldn’t be difficult, right?The perils of dating a Speedster and a Kryptonian aren’t as different as you would think.Could this be the thing that rebuilds the strained relationship between Dick and Bruce?This is a companion piece to “Bitch, Me Too!” by the wonderful Lopithecus.





	Speed Dating: Bitch, Me Too!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lopithecus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/gifts), [TheResurrectionist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheResurrectionist/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Bitch, Me Too!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11927496) by [Lopithecus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus). 



> This is a gift fic for two wonderful people, TheResurrectionist and Lopithecus.
> 
> Based on this Tumblr post:  
> https://frownyalfred.tumblr.com/post/164457512343/dick-brucei-have-something-to-tell-you-im
> 
> and the story: "Bitch, Me Too!" by Lopithecus.
> 
> Go read their stories because they are truly amazing writers.

Dick is walking out of the kitchen and catches sight of Clark Kent leaving the Manor by the front door. Usually it is Superman zooming off from the Cave or, as he now knows, from the balcony in Bruce’s bedroom. Smirking to himself he walks up behind Bruce, who is standing in the doorway watching Clark drive away in a very average Prius, and claps a hand on the uninjured shoulder.

“So Clark Kent is seen leaving Wayne Estate. Aren’t you worried it will start the gossip mill churning?” Dick asks with a grin.

Bruce closes the door and turns towards Dick, sharing a little smile. Dick can see a giant purpling hickey on Bruce’s neck. His eyes widen in surprise and he starts to snicker.

“Oh My G…. How are you going to cover that?” Dick is pointing at the truly impressively sized love bite.

Bruce’s hand comes up to touch the offending spot.

“It’s not that bad, is it?” the man asks uncertainly.  Taking a few steps to a mirror near the coat cupboard, Bruce scowls at the reflection.

“Dammit Clark,” but there is no real heat behind the words.

“Holy telltale Batman,” Dick chirps.

Bruce grimaces at the seeming return of the Boy Wonder patter, and then breaks into a small grin. The two men walk towards the terrace in companionable silence. Bruce is still limping a little as a result of his fight with both Bane and Killer Croc last night. Bandages can be seen inside the edges of the robe, that is trailing behind the older man. Dick is relieved that Superman arrived in time to help his adoptive father, before the situation could turn any uglier.

The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. Alfred has just laid out a light breakfast for them both. Dick could swear he almost saw the Englishman smirk at the same bruise gracing Bruce’s throat. There is a few minutes silence as Bruce drinks down his coffee and Dick gets stuck into his food.

“So,” Dick begins.

“So?” Bruce lifts an eyebrow at Dick but it’s not the disapproving kind, more the enquiring kind. Pale eyes regard him in the early morning light. Dick tries not to squirm under that scrutiny.

“I was just thinking that dating someone with super speed would have to be similar to  dating a speedster,” Dick mumbles quietly. He’s never really mentioned dating with Bruce before, so this is new for both of them.

“We didn’t really get a chance to discuss the fact that you’re dating Wally. Last night was full of surprises.” Bruce doesn’t look shocked or astonished, so Dick’s guesses that the man already knew about his relationship appear to be well founded.

“I hope you aren’t going to sit there and give me a hard time while wearing a ginormous hickey on your neck,” Dick says carefully, watching Bruce closely for any negative reactions.

Bruce touches his throat again gently. “I didn’t even realise he was…..” the voice trails off and Dick can see the hint of a blush dusting across Bruce’s cheeks.

“I know what you mean. And they can be sneaky, you know?” Dick laughs softly.

Bruce huffs. “Clark is always teasing me.” There is a slightly bigger smile across the handsome features and a sparkle in those slate blue eyes. Dick is truly happy for Bruce. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

“Wally uses it to his advantage in bed. Does Clark?”

Bruce’s eyebrows fly up in surprise. Leaning back in the chair, coffee still in hand, a smirk seems to be the only answer Dick will get.

“Amongst other things,” the deep voice rumbles, a hint of mirth in the tone.

Dick feels a blush creeping up his cheeks remembering in vivid detail the imaginings of his boyhood crush on Superman. To have Bruce just chatting with him about personal things like this is a bonding opportunity between the two that Dick can’t and won’t resist. He slides his chair a little closer.

“Like what?” Dick asks cheekily.

There is no missing the blush this time and Dick is delighted. Bruce gulps down the last of the coffee and replaces the cup on the table.

“The ass grab,” the man begins uncertainly. “I’ve told him not to do it on the WatchTower, there is no wind to explain the fluttering of my cape but he just…”

Dick really laughs this time. He had seen Bruce’s cape flutter a few times when no breeze was present but hadn’t put too much thought into it. So much made more sense now after last night’s revelation. Batman’s small smiles at random times were because Superman was going the grope at super speed. Dick restrains himself from chuckling at the mental picture he was just provided with.

“And the kisses,” Dick adds. “There’s no warning, just the hint of warm lips and a gust of air.”

Bruce nods, the edges of his mouth curling up.

“The gifts appearing out of nowhere,” the billionaire said. “It’s fine here at the Manor, but I have a hard time explaining it at the office.”

Dick knows at that moment, that Bruce is opening up to him and sharing things. It’s something he’s sorely missed since becoming Nightwing. The early days of Batman and Robin were filled with puns and cheesy one liners, all designed to crack the stoic facade of the Bat. Their relationship has never truly recovered from Dick leaving to go to Bludhaven. If Bruce is giving him an opportunity to mend their relationship then Dick is going to grab it with both hands.

“Oh my gosh yes!” Dick enthusiastically waves his arms. “Wally delivered a bag of snacks while I was on a stake out. I didn’t complain but they were all the crinkly, noisy, wrappered ones.”

Bruce grinned at that comment. It wasn’t the Brucie Wayne blinding smile put on for show, but a genuine smile that Dick treasured.

“Yes,” Bruce replies, getting into the spirit of the conversation. “Clark’s Mother would be horrified at what he brings as treats while we’re on Monitor Duty.”

Dick nods along. “Wally at least has a reason for the high calories. I don’t think he realises that I don’t have the same metabolism sometimes.”

“Worried about your figure now, Dick?” Bruce huffs teasingly.

“Oh heck no! It’s just the quantity. I get enough exercise to keep my trim figure thankyou very much.” Dick says with mock indignation.

Both men let out a genuine laugh and Dick felt exceptionally happy.

Alfred came out to collect the dishes and looked to the two men, relaxed and comfortable. With a cheeky glint in his eye, the butler looks straight at Bruce.

“Who are you and what have you done to Master Bruce?” the gentleman's gentleman quipped.

Dick nearly snorted the juice he had just finished.

“Moi?” Bruce puts a hand to his chest, trying to look the picture of innocence. Dick just loses it and laughs harder. Alfred returns inside and the laughter settles down into a happy sigh.

“Bruce?” Dick didn’t want the moment to end, so he ploughed on. “Do you ever get dizzy or disorientated when being moved at super speed? Like last night, when Clark brought you home. It’s just that sometimes, with Wally, he’ll pick me up and run off. Which is fine! But when he comes to a stop, my insides feel like they’ve been through the fluff cycle in a dryer.” Dick had a split second to wonder if bringing up last night’s fight was a good idea but Bruce didn’t scowl or grumble at him at all.

“I’ve had similar experiences with Kal’s flight. I don’t notice until afterwards if we are headed into battle. It will depend on where your focus is,” the reasonable tone assures.

“I’m talking about when I get whisked away for some alone time. Without the distraction of battle, I think I suffer something similar to vertigo.” Dick frowns slightly as he speaks.

“Try popping your ears like I taught you years ago when we would travel on the WE jet. The vertigo is due to an imbalance in your inner ear. It won’t give the same relief as re-pressurisation but it will help.” the older man advises.

Dick looks thoughtful for a moment. “Do you have the problem of being kissed while travelling at high speed?”

Bruce ponders the question before lifting the one broad uninjured shoulder in a lopsided shrug.

“I’ve never had any issues with it,” Bruce says.

“Oh My God!” Dick squeals abruptly. At Bruce’s raised eyebrow, Dick continues, “You’ve done it up there,” he says while pointing up. “Air sex! What’s that like? You have to tell me, please?”

Bruce pauses and Dick thinks he isn’t going to get an answer. Perhaps he’s pushed the conversation too hard, too fast. But he really wants to know. Who hasn’t fantasized about having mid air sex with Superman? This was as open as Bruce has ever been with him and he hopes he hasn’t pushed the man’s comfort zone too much.

“The logistics are more difficult than you would think,” Bruce tries to hide a grin but fails spectacularly.

“But you have? Come on B, if anyone has figured it out it would be you!” Dick’s enthusiasm can’t be contained.

“I don’t see how this would apply to dating a speedster, Dick. Wally can’t fly.” Bruce deflects.

Dick grabs Bruce’s bicep with two hands.

“You HAVE to tell me, please?” and Dick puts on his best puppy dog eyes. It had succeeded occasionally when he was younger. Thankfully, it works again this time. Bruce isn’t  immune to Dick’s little ploy.

“First, Clark has to be horizontal, on his back with me on top,” Bruce starts hesitantly. Dick’s eyes flash with glee. He couldn’t wait to share some of this conversation with Wally. He motioned with his hands for Bruce to keep going.

The older man clears his throat and continues to explain how he uses his legs as leverage, hooking his feet over the top of Clark’s thighs and bracing his hands against Clark’s chest. Clark also helped either by gripping Bruce’s knees as they splayed out either side of the Kryptonian, or by lifting the man up and down by his hips or ass.

Dick’s eyes widened. “You mean you’re the bottom? I never thought about that aspect.”

Bruce’s eyes flicker away for a moment before returning to meet Dick’s gaze.

“We are versatile,” the man looks at Dick as if expecting judgement.

Dick nods his assent.

“Same,” Dick can feel the blush creep up his neck.

“There are other ways as well, but when Kal is flying I usually bottom,” Bruce wore a matching blush now. It reminds Dick of the ‘sex talk’ he had with Bruce all those years ago.

“Wow,” Dick says in a hushed whisper. “What do you wear? It must get cold but you need, you know, easy access.”

Bruce gives him a long look.

“I’ve always told you a cape has many uses, Dick.” The man was smug, finding yet another reason to tease Dick about the lack of a cape on the Nightwing uniform.

“It doesn’t go with my aesthetic,” Dick snorts.

Bruce nods at their old banter resurfacing.

“Wally can vibrate at different frequencies, and with different parts of his body. Do you get,” Dick squirms in his seat, “chafing?”

Bruce shifts in the chair, crossing his legs. Dick catches the flash of a bite mark poking out from the hem of Bruce’s black silk pyjama pants. Bruce notices the glance and looks down at what caught Dick’s attention. The red robe, in Superman red that had been a gift from Clark, is pulled tighter and Dick looks away quickly.

“Carry your own lube,” Bruce said, drawing Dick’s attention back to the man’s flushed face.

Dick grimaced slightly. “We’ve been trying different kinds, but….” Dick’s voice trails off, leaving the inadequacies of lube against speed unsaid.

Bruce reaches into the pocket of his robe and withdraws a small bottle.

“It’s new and unused,” Bruce says as he passes it over.

“You really do carry it everywhere,” Dick giggles as he tried to read the brand. It wasn’t one he was familiar with. He turns the bottle around but it was suspiciously plain.

“You made your own?” Dick asks incredulously.

“Of course,” Bruce is grinning widely. “You aren’t the first to discover the perils of Metas v’s lube.”

“Bruce,” Dick can barely speak through the laughter that threatens to overwhelm him. “You made BatLube™?”

Bruce maintains a straight face for about ten seconds before his hand clamps over his mouth and he doubles over. Dick stops laughing long enough to register that the shaking of Bruce’s shoulders is from the man trying to contain his laughter. As Bruce sits up again to face Dick, they fall into what would appear to be a well rehearsed routine to an outsider.

“Is your Bat a little dry?” Dick asks with a narrator’s tone of voice.

“Is his wit too sharp?” Bruce adds.

“Need something to take away the sting?” Dick tries so hard to maintain the serious facade but is failing.

“You need BatLube™,” they almost sing in unison. Bruce is wiping tears from his eyes and Dick is clutching his sides in agony, trying to catch his breath but he is cackling like a crazed witch on meth. The team of Batman and Robin are so well versed in prefixing Bat onto everything that it just happens naturally. Both men laugh until they are gasping for air.

Dick eventually goes to hand the bottle back but Bruce indicates for him to keep it. Shoving it into the pocket of his sweatpants, and making a mental note to draw the Bat symbol on the label later, Dick pours them both another cup of coffee. As Dick sits there, he tries to imagine Wally’s face as he is presented with BatLube. He starts to snigger again but before Bruce can ask why, the billionaire’s phone pings. It gets dragged out of the other pocket of the robe gingerly, it’s on the side of the stitched up Croc bite. Upon reading the text message, Bruce snorts a small laugh and speaks clearly to the empty space around them.

“You shouldn’t be listening, Clark.” Throwing Dick a wink, he adds, “and what’s wrong with the name BatLube?”

Dick’s eyes grow round. He’d forgotten that Clark could hear almost anything on the planet. Another chime and this time Bruce blushes a bright crimson and quickly puts the phone back in his pocket. Dick isn’t game to ask what brought that on.

“Are we making Clark blush at work?” Dick asks.

“Something like that,” Bruce mumbles, reaching for his coffee.

Dick wanted to laugh again. What he wouldn’t give to see the messages Clark had sent. This time it’s Dick’s phone that vibrated from it’s place on the table. 

Wally: Supes just messaged me. What are you guys talking about?

Dick looks up at Bruce’s face behind the coffee cup before tapping out a reply.

Dick: Speed dating and BatLube.

Wally: What? You’re talking to B-man about us? Nononono!!!! DICK!!!!!

Wally: Wait, what is BatLube?

Dick laughs and Bruce looks over curiously.

“Clark messaged Wally, and may have mentioned that we’re talking about them,” Dick huffs, trying not to laugh at the mental image of Wally’s distraught face.

A smirk crosses Bruce’s face.

“Oh no you don’t, Bruce. No teasing Wally,” Dick says sternly.

“I didn’t say a word,” Bruce replies airily.

“I know that look. Behave around my boyfriend!” Dick waggles a finger in Bruce’s direction.

“Or what?” Bruce asks, still smirking and blue eyes dancing with unsaid mischief.

“Or I will have to show everyone this!” Dick says triumphantly as he snaps a picture of Bruce with his large hickey showing.

Bruce lunges for the phone but Dick is already moving. A short chase ensues around the garden that ends when Bruce crash tackles Dick through the side of the hedge maze. They were both laughing and had foliage stuck in their hair. Alfred chose at that moment to step into view.

“If you children have quite finished,” Alfred scolds, “I’ll ask you both to finish your shenanigans and get cleaned up. You,” the Englishman points at Bruce, “have to go to a meeting today. And you,” pointing at Dick, “have agility training that you apparently asked for.”

The two men, who were sprawling on the ground, looked at each other and groaned.

“Yes, Alfred,” they said in unison.

As the butler turned on his heel to return to the Manor, both dissolved into another fit of laughter. They were puffing and panting as the giggles died down.

“This was fun, Bruce,” Dick said happily.

“Yes it was, Dick,” Bruce agrees. Dick can’t help noticing that Bruce sounds so much younger and at ease.

There was a woosh and loose leaves are swept up into the air. As Bruce and Dick look up, there stood Superman and the Flash. Clark holds out a hand to Bruce, and Wally does the same to Dick. The heroes help their respective boyfriends to their feet and laughingly remove leaves and twigs from their hair and attire.

“You should be recovering from your injuries, B,” Clark says with concern.

“It’s fine,” Bruce replies. There is none of the usual grumbling or grumpy tones that Dick was familiar with. Just the smooth, light voice of Bruce. Dick held back a small tear when he realised how much he had missed that voice. Wally was looking at him curiously, head tilted to the side. Dick gives a small shake of his head and wipes at his eyes, still chuckling at the running around in the garden with Bruce. He hadn’t even started High School the last time they horsed around like this.

Wally turned from Dick, to look at Bruce and Clark, and his mouth dropped open.

“You weren’t kidding,” Wally says, pointing to Bruce’s neck, “that thing is HUGE!!”

“Wally,” Bruce growls.

Wally inadvertently backs up a step, right into Dick who wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders.

“Stay, Wally, stay.” Dick sounds like he is trying to give a wayward dog instructions. “Good boy,” he mutters while tugging back the cowl and ruffling Wally’s hair. Wally is still staring at Bruce. This is the first time the speedster has seen Bruce, or Batman, since Dick has been open about their relationship.

Clark winks at Dick and Wally before exaggeratedly opening his mouth and biting down on the spot on Bruce’s neck. Bruce yelped in surprise. Dick and Wally couldn’t help themselves, they laughed loudly.

“Get a room you two,” Dick says through his fits of giggles. He can’t even remember the last time he laughed so much with Bruce, it was so long ago.

Clark pulls away from Bruce’s neck and looks the billionaire in the eyes.

“No, Clark, nooo…..” Bruce calls out as Clark whisks him off into the hedge maze.

Dick keeps his arms wrapped around Wally and leans in to give him a soft kiss, when they hear a shout.

“What do you mean, you don’t have it?” It’s Clark’s voice.

Wally looks at Dick in confusion, while Dick remembers the small bottle of lube in his pocket guiltily.

“But you always have it,” Clark continues.

Dick leans his head down onto Wally’s shoulder and starts to chuckle once more.

“Babe?” Wally asks quietly.

“Just wait for it,” Dick replies.

A rush of displaced air signals the return of Bruce and Clark. Bruce is retying the belt on his robe awkwardly and Clark just looks perturbed.

“Shouldn’t you be at work, Clark?” The older man crosses his arms as he speaks.

Clark looks at Wally and the pair just shrug their shoulders. As they turn their attention back to Bruce, they realise man is gone. Vanished into thin air. Wally looks at Clark before turning to ask Dick where Bruce has gone, only to discover Dick has also disappeared.

“I hate it when they do that,” Clark grumbles.

“Bitch, me too!” Wally replies.


End file.
